The last debate
Will we be safer? Kerry starts out unsure. He's glad to be in Arizona. Ah, he thinks we should be, but aren't. “I can guarantee that I'll do a better job hunting down terrorists. Just like Teddy Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan.”
Bush: “I have a comprehensive plan. We'll spread freedom.” This is trickle down anti-terrorism.
Kerry: “Bush doesn't care where Osama is.”
Bush: “Kerry is an exaggerator. He wants to use intelligence, I think that's dangerous.”
Where is the flu vaccine?
Bush: “We didn't want contaminated British drugs, so we're importing drugs from third-world countries like Canada. I'm vulnerable to the flu, and it's all because of lawsuits.” What? Lawsuits?
Kerry: “Bush has made us sicker. We don't have flu vaccine because of bad health insurance.” Umm... “The problem is that we don't have good health insurance.” No, the problem is that the manufacturers didn't make enough vaccine.
Bush is Blinky McFlipFlop.
Bush: “A plan is not a litany of complaints.” No, but it might be a response to problems.
Kerry: “We're gonna pay for what we do, first by taxing the very rich. Bush has never vetoed a spending bill.”
Bush lies for 90 seconds.
Voter: “Why was my job sent to India?”
Bush: “Public schools suck.”
Kerry: “I'm folksy. Tony Soprano is a guy I talk to. Plus they cut unemployment, retraining, Pell grants...”
Somehow, both guys seem off. Maybe Bush's attacks and lies aren't aimed at me, but Kerry seems calm too.
Bush is ripping Kerry, I think it'll backfire, but who's to say.
Sheaffer: Is homosexuality a choice?
Bush: “I don't know, but I don't like gays. Amending the Constitution to take away rights from the people is democratic.”
Kerry: “We're all God's children. Dick Cheney's daughter is gay.” Kerry is compassionate. “...as God made them.” We shouldn't discriminate against people for who they are.
Why does Kerry do “The Robot” with his hands?
Sheaffer: “Is it a sin for a Catholic to vote for you?”
Kerry: “No. I'm a religious man. I'm not running to be a Catholic president, I'm running to be president. 'A faith without deeds is not faith at all.' I work from my faith, fighting poverty, etc.”
Bush: “Yes. Abortion is evil, and Kerry is a sinner.”
Bush: “The buggy and horse days” putting the cart before the horse.
Bush: “I came to Washington deeply concerned about prescription drug costs, which is why my reforms will kick in two years from now.”
Kerry: “Bush is a big fat liar.”
Kerry: “I have my shit down. My plan is detailed and brilliant.”
Bush: “I make shit up. Increasing Medicaid will decrease health care, because ...”
Sheaffer: “Social Security is running out of money.” No. Social Security is OK for 50 years.
Bush: “Seniors, don't worry, you'll get your money. We'll just take it from the young folks.”
Kerry: “Bush will destroy us all. I'll fix things without cutting benefits.”
Kerry: “Lots of people have had wars, recessions, etc., without the problems we have today.”
Bush: “Tax cuts have saved us from a recession.”
Bush: “I'm for all things to all people, but mostly for an underclass of immigrants.”
Kerry: “Middle class families are getting hammered. I'm sorry, did you ask about immigration? Well, we'll have a guest program, an earned legalization program for people whose children are citizens, and better biometric nonsense at the borders. Middle eastern people are coming across the border.”
Higher minimum wage?
Kerry: “YES. Republicans won't let us even vote on it. The minimum wage has the lowest earning power in 50 years.” “People who play for the American dream.”
Bush: “The minimum wage doesn't matter. No Child Left Behind is what matters.”
Will you overturn Roe v. Wade?
Bush: “No litmus test.”
Kerry: “I won't appoint a judge who would overturn our Constitutional rights. The president won't answer, so maybe he wants to overturn it. As for education, the president's plan sucks.”
Kerry: “Bad news. We need a larger army. We need an alliance that's strong.”
Bush: “Booga-booga, global test.”
Kerry: “Trust your guts.”
Bush: “Kerry opposed the first Gulf War. No one can pass the test, that's why Kerry voted to authorize force.”
Bush: “It's all the fault of Democrats. They held up the Assault Weapons Ban. We need to enforce our laws.”
Kerry: “It was a failure of the president. I loves me my guns. But I'm also a former prosecutor. Law enforcement wanted that ban, and now terrorists can buy guns, and cops are going into more dangerous places because of the president's failure.”
Kerry: “It's unfortunately necessary. This administration has undermined programs that help African-Americans. There's still discrimination. Bush doesn't talk to minority groups.”
Bush: “Pell grants will solve all of the problems.”
What the hell is up? Did he decide that education would get him security moms?
Bush: “We should unbundle contracts.” Just not for Halliburton.
What role for faith?
Bush: “I pray a lot. Atheists are Americans too. Also Jews and Muslims. Especially Christians, though. Presidential prayer teams rock. We've unleashed armies of compassion to help cure the lepers. Afghanistan's freedom is a gift from the Almighty.”
Kerry: “I respect all that crap he just spewed. Everything is a gift from the Almighty. But we have work to do to fulfill our faith. Our schools are too poor for poor folks.”
How will you unify the country?
Kerry: “Bush did great at unifying us all. But things went downhill. I'll have open, inclusive government. I'll work with John McCain on reform campaign finance.”
Bush: “In Texas, the Democrats rolled over, but in DC, they've stood up for themselves. McCain loves me because I can win in Iraq.”
What have we learned from strong women?
Bush: “Good posture. It was love at first sight.”
Kerry: “I love my mom, I love my wife. My family won't let me get too big headed.”
Kerry strikes a presidential tone in his closing.
Bush is folksy. It's morning in America.