Sunday, May 07, 2006

Dear Congressman

Congressman Jim Ryun
House of Representatives
Washington, DC

Dear Mr. Ryun:

PostedI have been inspired by your symbolic expression of distaste for people who won't just speak American and be done with it. Sure, it confused my friends when I refused to celebrate the 5th of May, instead celebrating "Mexican militia kicking the baguette eatin shit out of the French army in 1862 day" while drinking whiskey and wearing a cowboy hat (no tequila or sombreros for me!). They got over it, and I think I really put illegal immigrants in their place.

I'm worried that we're losing track of the real issue though. By focussing on the people who put Mexican words to "To Anacreon in Heaven," a tune that should only be associated with British alcoholics or American patriots, we have forgotten about the rest of Latin America.

And that is why I think you should focus less on potentates in the Oath of Allegiance, and focus instead on the Latin invasion of other essential symbols of America.

I don't know how some devious Latin American managed to slip his language into our national motto, but as it stands, every bill and coin is an invitation to the many Latin nations (e pluribus = "out of many") to join our one great land (unum).

That's why I've attached an artist's conception of a new quarter, with a newer, more American motto. That'll put those Latin Americans in their place.

Isolatedly yours,


(Thanks to reader Mark for a useful tip.)